Listen, honestly? All that bullshit about Miley having just turned 15 is simply untrue. I have it on good authority that she was born, or rather hatched, at 15 years old and she will forever be stuck in that delightful Learner's Permit hell.

When we sat down to open this horrific window into our subconsciouses (subconsci?), we did not know that Miley Cyrus is writing a goddamned memoir. Really. Hyperion Books, publishers of such winning tomes as "It's Hard Out Here for a Shrimp" and "Late Show Fun Facts" has tapped the young pop-tress to write about the 12 years of her life that she can actually remember. I bet the pony ride she had when she was 6 makes for a great three chapters.

To me, the real danger of the Internet is not child predators or stalkers or awkward Facebook reunions. No, it's having a completely public record of all the ridiculously stupid shit that you ever wrote on any forum, message board, YouTube video or blog comment thread.

Like everyone else, I was a pretty dumb fucker when I was 17. But back then, the Internet was a completely different beast. While I had the same constant temptations that most teenage boys have, like the desire to absolutely desecrate (if at all possible, with phallic etchings) anything and everything that I had unfettered access to, there wasn't a permanent public record of my stupidity that anyone in the world could see.

These poor kids. We give them the perception of anonymity and an audience and expect them to act like halfway decent people? John Gabriel has proved that this is a physical impossibility. And now, thanks to the Internet, there is a written-in-stone record of your retardation.

So when someone came to Miley Cyrus and said, "Hey, we want to take your stupid anecdotes, print them on paper and distribute them en masse to the general public," her handlers should have told Hyperion to piss up a rope.